The Grace of God — More Than My Fair Share.

American Mom
6 min readFeb 24, 2024

“Not to be mean, Mommy, but back when I was little, Nonnie was more healthy than you. She was my safe person.”

-Louden Gorrall, 8 Years old

Jean Swenson Whitaker with her grandkids, 2018, the year she died. My son Louden on the floor in green shoes.

My 8 year old son, Louden, said this to me yesterday, February 23, 2024, as we drove home from Boston Logan airport. We had just landed from a 5 day trip to Disney World, and Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida. Just he and I traveled.

Alone, together — mother and son.

We crushed the amusement parks — hitting 3 parks a day at Disney with the park hopper pass, and all the rides at Universal and Islands of Adventure with the express lane pass. I rode every single ride with my brave and adventurous little boy. Together we overcame our fears — of heights, drops, zero gravity, and spooky things. Together we became even more of a family.

Just he and I.

In 2017 I became ill with a mysterious blood disease. We later found out it was Pure Red Cell Aplasia and smoldering myeloma. Diseases related to nuclear poisoning, among other things. During 2017 and 2018 my mom, aka “Nonnie” came to help me and my son as my now ex-husband was suffering from a variety of issues that made it hard for him to care for me. He kept his job and our insurance in tact, but when it came to my home care, hospital care and Louden’s child care, my mother was needed.

She cared for me when I couldn’t care for myself. She cared for my son when I couldn’t care for him.

And then in an instant, she died.

A massive heart attack came to our door one October night in 2018.

Louden in front, Erin (Me) middle, Jean (Nonnie/Mom) in the back. We will be behind you forever sweet Louden. Wind at your back dear one.

It broke us, and brought us to new levels of human grief.

My son and I, who had relied on my mom for love and care, held each other close the rest of 2018. To say I was terrified that I had to go into MGH and get a bone marrow transplant 2 months later in January of 2019, was an understatement.

But it was the only way I would survive. The only way I would live to be a mother to my son.

So I did it. We did it.

Louden in December of 2018
Me, Erin, January 2019 at MGH — Jeanne Arrougas MGH NP shaving my head after it started falling out.
My wonderful friends brought me citrine for good energy, and I filled my transplant room with mantras like “Nevertheless She Persisted”

I spent a month living at Mass General Lunder 10 — fighting for my life on a minute by minute basis. The amount of near death experiences I had was incredible, but all I wanted was to get back to my son. My sweet, 4 year old son. My world. In late February of 2019 I was discharged from MGH Lunder 10 and could go see my son at home. It was one of the most important moments of my life.

My first hug of my son after bone marrow transplant #1. Feb 2019
Louden was happy, but definitely wary of my new bald head!
Nothing felt better than holding him in my arms after uncertainty of death.
After my first transplant failed, I needed another one in June of 2019. And chemotherapy/blood transfusions until Jan of 2020. Overall I had three years of blood transfusions, chemo, radiation, and organ transplants.

What transpired in my life from 2019 to 2023 was difficult to say the least.

After the first bone marrow transplant failed I had to look death straight in the eye. I acknowledged that death comes for everyone, and that it may in fact be here for me — right now. I made a will. I made funeral arrangements that I shared with a few close friends. My work and only career I had known would not take me back after all the illness. My husband was alcoholic and angry. My mother was gone. My life was totally devastated.

And yet I still wanted to live — so I fought with every shred of my being to stay — here on earth — with my son.

Little by slowly, I started to heal. Over the next 4 years I started making healthy cells. I started needing less emergent medical attention. I left an extremely difficult marriage. I got my own apartment. I left a toxic workplace and industry of advertising. I went through a difficult, painful, and expensive divorce. I witnessed a new woman move into the house I had purchased for my family, for my children. I witnessed my things be put on the lawn as though they were trash. I went to MGH every month to continue getting life saving organ survivorship treatments. I brought myself.

I persisted.

I prayed to God to give me the strength to endure, and the discernment to put efforts where they mattered. I asked for God’s will to be done, not mine.

He answered those prayers.

This February, 2024, I brought my son to Orlando Florida, to Disney World, to Universal Studios. And he saw me as the capable, healthy, safe, caring, single mother that I am.

Louden and I on the plane to Florida Feb 2024.

We rode the rides. We laughed. We believed in the magic. We felt the presence of my mom, his grandmother — Jean aka Nonnie.

I rented the hotel, the car, all on my own. With no fear of illness or death.

I booked the experiences and rides all on my own. With no fear of illness or death.

I held hands with my son in joy and solidarity, not worry and grief.

God answered my prayers. He provided.

My life these days is not perfect, but nothing is. From my new perspective I am simply grateful to have a life, and get to share it with my wonderfully smart, caring boy.

We made memories that WERE NOT PROMISED. In fact I would have bet against this moment if was asked about it in 2019.

But God has plans. For us all.

I found a journal entry from February 24 of 2019 and realized God had been working so hard, through me, for me, and in spite of me.

Personal Journal Entry from 2019. We belong to each other.

As I knew then, I know now. I am simply a person who has had the Grace of God shine on her face, more than her fair share of times.

Thank you God, Thank you Universe, Thank you Louden, for making this miracle come true. Please help others find theirs.

With Love,

ESG

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American Mom

Former corporate ad exec turned creator, metaphysical enthusiast, bone marrow transplant survivor, mother, and curious human.